how can i get upset about something without the conviction that i once had if it doesn't matter to the recieving party. time wasting is sort of like that. since we're on the topic of time wasting, this blog is sort of like that. i like to think of it as therapy. so many times have i had to waste time with someone that doesn't know what they want. i know that we can sometimes be distracted and see things in different lights, but how do you see something totally different when looking at another thing for a few moments. does your perception change when you look back at the first thing you were looking at? does something in your mind trigger? i'm not here to answer these questions. and if you can't find the time to read something for your own good because you can't think of it, then i'm wasting my time.

most recent mugshot august 2005 

at times i think about how empty my room is, but i look around and i see so many things that i can do....mostly clean, but most of the time-my mind wanders back to memories, good and bad--mostly good. then i feel it, the need, the need to find something else to think about. so i go, go out into the night. i like feeling the cold, the cold wind on my cheeks. this is how it is when you are thinking, thinking about yourself and where you've been. but i look ahead, see where to go, see where i'm going, and i smile. i smile because i really can't see that far, but i know where i've been. it's a bitter smile, the smile of someone that wants, needs. but a smile nonetheless. because smiling can be used in so many ways, even in anger, in sorrow, in nostalgia. i look forward to a new day.

blah blah blah. seems like everyone around is just buzzing around looking busy. there isn't enough time in the day to do anything anymore. and i have no motivation to do anything either. i just want to go out and do something but when i get to doing it, i don't feel like it anymore. even running doesn't seem as appealing as it used to. what the heck is happening to me?